Suddenly there was the sound of cracking from above, followed by a double-“thud” as if someone was dropping bags of flour from the lofty bows above. The four of us jumped, startled at what could have possibly interrupted such a peaceful evening stroll. This was when we saw the source of the commotion; two gray squirrels had apparently decided to attempt a double-suicide…and failed miserably. Somewhat shaken, the two confusingly scampered away to (I guess) shake the cobwebs out of their noggins after experiencing a rude introduction to the laws of physics, gravity, and asphalt density. It looked something like this...
The “Topic du Jour” had been selected by fate.
Not really understanding what we had just witnessed, I called an old friend who that I thought would be able to shed some light. He was a PhD in Entomology, grew up in Arkansas, and claimed to have eaten hundreds of squirrels in his lifetime. If anyone would be able to distinguish between suicidal tendencies of squirrels (because they are forced to live in Arkansas) and abnormal behavior of severely inbred squirrels (because they are forced to live in Arkansas), THIS guy would have THE answer.
After explaining what I had seen—followed by a few “Uh huh”…”Hmmmm”….”I seeeeeeee” (and other high-falutin’ PhD jargon)—he informed me that this was completely normal behavior for squirrels during their mating season.
Always the jokester—I immediately realized that he was pulling my leg and trying to “punk” me into believing that one of the smartest mammals with some of the most impressive aerial skills was going to simply going to take a 20’ dive onto pavement over a mating ritual? Yea. Right.
40-Year Flashback
This was not the first time someone had tried to punk me on the laws of science. When I was but a boy of 9, I overheard my father talking to someone about a couple who had just had their first child. There was some discussion about the child’s birthdate and their wedding date, when my father—very convincingly—stated, “Well…you know…the first child only takes 7-months.” The very next week I confidently walked into my 3rd-grade classroom and told my teacher that I knew something about babies that most people didn’t. I accurately parroted the information that I had heard, but instead of getting a “You’re so smart Wesley” from her; all I got was a laugh and a dismissive comment of “That’s not right.” If there was a 9-year old version of Robert “Bobby” Boucher, Jr., and his disappointment in the state of academic integrity in Gloucester County, Virginia—I was it. I would not be "scientifically punked" again!
Back To Real-Time
We ended our small talk, wished each other well, and ended the call. I IMMEDIATELY went to my most trusted source for all scientific truths—Google. I became obsessed in understanding this rodent; wanting to get into it’s head and understand why it behaved in such a life-threatening manner.
As I began my research, my first contact with the scientific descriptions were unexpected, almost to the point of being (dare I say?) sensual.
“...slender bodies,” “…large eyes,” “…soft and silky,” “…long hind-limbs…” (1)Whoever was writing this must have spent a LOT of time alone in the woods studying these things…maybe TOO MUCH time. Moving on to the next site, I found more examples of their observed ardent behavior; and this time they were getting aggressive.
"Fights between dominants and subordinates normally occur in the breeding seasons, and involve chases and wrestling.” (2)
"Males are attracted to the scent of oestrous females. Several males will frequently follow one female and often end up chasing her. A male chasing a female does not give up so easily.” (2)
 |
| Mental images of lovable cartoon characters clash with their lewd behavior |
“...the large scrotum of the males is conspicuous.” (2)
“...the nipples of breeding females are easily seen when they are sitting up.” (2)
“...a relaxed affair...often lying on her back for up to an hour to give access to her nipples.” (3)STOPPPPPPPP!!!!! This was WAY too much for me. I began to see the towering trees through a different lens. I was now camping under a canopy of lustful animals who were acting like they ate the whole rhino horn! How could I ever look at one of these creatures again with thoughts of innocence? Even worse; what if Kristy stumbled across my internet surfing history!!!?
Then I found the most disturbing piece of info. As raunchy and obscene as the gray squirrel is, their behavior pales in comparison to their red-haired cousins; who seemingly wrote the book on promiscuity. (4)
I turned in for the evening with volumes of images swirling in my mind that needed reconciling. Kristy and I made small talk, and discussed how retirement has changed our lives. As she ran the back of her hand against my face, she said, “I really like your longer hair and beard. I especially like all the gray."
wWw
No comments:
Post a Comment